Loving like He loves

The act of love is hard to define and takes on new meaning for everyone. For some love starts with how others around them view them and treat them for others still it’s more about how much they love themselves. The best kind of love though is the love I strive for. The Agape love that comes from God. His love is complete, fully encompassing, without beginning and without end. It sees through all my hurts and sorrows, it comforts when I am hurting or lonely and it endures through everything. Gods agape love is one that is unmatched and unachievable by us.

My typical definition of love for myself has been to rely on others opinions and treatment of me. I’ve used my interpretation of this “love” for encouragement, self worth, beauty and to help define who I am and how I’m doing. I often felt like who I was as a person was reflected in how other people loved me and how willing they were to show me love. This can have a lot of good attributes, it made me strive to be kinder, more honest, open, caring and to take care of myself so I could in turn take care of others. But the down side of this often became that people’s response to me and how I was treated made my self love diminish. This became then a vicious cycle of me feeling unloved, becoming depressed, anxious and at times manic. This depression and anxiety pushed people away and made me feel even more alone and more unloved. This vicious cycle only seemed to clear when I would refocus on Gods amazing love for me. His love can pull away the depression, the anxiety, the worthless feelings I was having because he loves me right where I am for who I am. This love builds me up and makes me stronger.

As a Christian woman it is my goal to let God’s love direct my path daily in all things I do from how I interact with those around me to what I eat and how I take care of myself. God doesn’t care if my neighbour gave me the cold shoulder, or that I lost my patience with a co-worker. God doesn’t care that I don’t have a six pack or if I have perfectly coiffed hair. God loves me for who I am and what I am. My challenge is to take that love and then reflect it to others around me. There will always be negatives in life’s. People who disappoint you, or don’t show you love the way you deserve. You may always have a zit here, a roll there and you may never achieve earthly perfection in a way that draws in love from those around you. But you can always turn to the one who loves you best and eternally. And by looking to him use that love to motivate yourself to do and be better. I am a long way from where I want to be but I know with Gods help and provision he will love me through it all.

“Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”
‭‭1 John‬ ‭4:8‬ ‭

“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

The struggle is real

God has a perfect plan and perfect timing I know this full well. Yet here I am fully reliant on God struggling with day to day things because of my circumstance. I had never wanted to be a mom it was never something I longed for or a goal and yet when the decision to permanently take that opportunity away arose I panicked and I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. Now here I am two years later thrilled at the fact that I have my own beautiful child to call my own. And yet I struggle.

My heart is full of love for my daughter. Of that there is no doubt and if she is the only child I ever conceive I will be more than happy. But in this current moment my heart aches. It aches for a life that has not yet been conceived that may not ever be conceived and yet is loved so deeply and fiercely beyond words. How does a parent deal with such an ache? The child I have loves me and fills me to completion she needs me daily and is truly my pride and joy yet my very being longs for another. The struggle is real as I deal with these wants and these emotions not yet fulfilled the struggle is real as I pine for a life not yet conceived. The struggle is real as I yearn for the thing that so many friends and acquaintances have already achieved. Yet in the struggle I am content, I am happy and life is full. I could not want more nor could I imagine more love pouring from me as I look at my baby girl. She is quite literally my heart and soul and I would give anything for her. And so the struggle is real as those less fortunate than I deal with infertility issues and so the struggle is real as those less fortunate than I struggle longer than I have to get pregnant once let alone twice and so the struggle is real as I mourn the loss of babies concieved who never breathed life and the parents that grieve them. The struggle is real as my reality does not line up with Gods plan.

So I wait and I pray for Gods perfect will, timing and plan as I move into a season of waiting and love and looking for his evidence that I may abound in hope, and love through this time.

Runners High

I have been challenging myself over the last two weeks in a running challenge. The challenge in and of Rawls was that I’m not a runner and I dislike running. Day one was tiresome, difficult and my end goal seemed impossible. Day 2 and 3 my distances were further but my times were not where I wanted them to be and I felt sore and exhausted. I took the liberty of taking day 4 off. Day 5 I ran and finally ran my goal distance but not in my goal time. Day 6 was then a discouraged write off Day 7 another disappointing run, Day 8 a bike ride instead of a run. Day 9 a rest day. Day 10 a good run or what felt good but with disappointing results and then today Day 11 we finally had a break through. I was running and the wind was cold I didn’t have enough coverage to block out it’s icy chill as I ran but I pushed on anyways with one goal in mind. I jogged hard and got winded felt disappointed by needing to take a break then pushed harder after. My time felt good, my time felt fast. I hit the ascent of my jog and my heart sank this was gonna set me off pace and slow down my time in a big way. I began and felt tired, alone defeated. I made it to the top not proud of what I’d accomplished but sad and mad at myself for not being able to do better. I pushed on willing my legs to take one more step and then one more. That’s when it hit me the runners high, suddenly I was flying down the side walk and building my pace, my breathing was easy and under control. My limbs warm from the physical exertion I was putting forth and I just kept thinking man these legs of mine are awfully powerful to be able to carry a tired me. I reached my final destination just shy of my goal but this time was not disappointed but elated. My body had done something incredible and I knew it.

That feeling that runners high is what I long for an search for with God as I think many people do. Sometimes when we’re first learning or not really sure what we’re doing the results seem disappointing and we wonder why we’re even bothering to try. All to often we take breaks from God walking away from him perhaps when we need him the most in an effort to protect ourselves and put ourselves back in charge of our lives. But that still small voice calls and we search once again. Then it hits you the high of feeling God, hearing his voice knowing his love for you. And that feeling is like nothing else you’ve experienced. You’re weightless and you gain momentum in your faith. Eventually this high will fade and you may go through disappointing days again. But hold on to those moments when God reveals himself to you and use those to propel yourself forward. Let him be the strength in your legs pushing you towards your goal. We will unfortunately never reach that moment of perfection of true oneness with God until his return but we can continue to look forward to that day and let him carry us in his infinite love and wisdom.

God is good, all the time, and all the time God is good.

“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40:31‬ ‭